Conservative

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A Conservative is someone who tends to base their motives on religion and/or a general aversion to common sense. They do not see things as subjective in many cases, and many are strict believers of solid biblical principles. Conservatives are sink or swim. They tend to favor gun freedom and the Second Amendment. Conservatives are the natural enemy of the Liberal, born from the fiery pits of a secular hell. They do not believe in government financial aid and generally oppose welfare and free/cheap government funded medical aid even more they oppose Universal Health Care. They think war and oil are more important than education and healthcare. They believe that all money should belong to them, along with all power. They believe that the poor are poor because they are either stupid, lazy, or born in a Third World country, and to solve the latter problem, ship jobs off to Third World countries. Many Conservatives define themselves as "Republicans". They tend to side with intolerance over public safety and legislation. A conservative is normally single-minded and can not comprehend even the slightest bit of objectivity. This is commonly attributed to religious zeal. Their views on most policies are fed from a desire to run within a system of absolutes. Most of them will never debate a "conservative issue" due to their delicate sensibilities.

A popular stereotype of the conservative is a rich, white, Unitedstatesian or British man.

Conservatism is born from an underlying insecurity of one's place in the world. Thusly, they are often motivated by religion and tradition, and vote for candidates who tend to have very fiery demeanors and propose radical war movements.

Conservative Beliefs

• Conservatism is the ideology of being a dick. It is the practice of putting oneself before others always, bullying those who are weaker than you, discriminating against those who look or behave differently than you, giving to those who have the most, taking from those who have the least, and fearing anything that is new or different. It is a very limited perspective that is initially self-serving, but ultimately contributes to the practitioner living an unfulfilled life, and harming all those that he/she comes into contact with.

Conservatives and religion

• Conservatives are by nature immoral, requiring fear of punishment to refrain from doing evil, and promises of reward to do good. This is provided to them primarily via religion. Rather than being charitable, honest and kind out of simple human decency they require the reward of 'eternal life' to motivate them. Unlike liberals who intrinsically understand common morals, conservatives need an authority to tell them that it is wrong to kill, steal, lie, commit adultery and covet. That authority is typically an imaginary bearded old white man called 'God'.  

American Conservatives

• Conservatives believe that America is the only country in the world and do not value any human lives other than their own. Conservatives think 'supporting the troops' means sending them into combat as often as possible. Conservatives vocally support war but are usually too big of pussies to actually fight in wars themselves. This is known as hypocrisy, and it is a cornerstone of conservative ideology.
• Conservatives are extraordinarily stupid and easy to manipulate. When the government says "we have to conquer them to free them" instead of asking important questions, they just believe it. If the government wants to wiretap citizens and destroy the Fourth amendment all they have to do is title the bill the 'patriot' act and conservatives are dumb enough to fall for it.

• Conservatives believe that healthcare is a privilege not a right, and would rather spend billions on bombs and finding ways to kill people, than on finding ways to heal them. Paradoxically, they also claim to worship a man named Jesus, who was famed for healing the sick free of charge and never tolerated human violence, even in self-defense.

• Conservatives believe that they can eat money, and so it doesn't matter if humans spoil the planet for all future generations, as long as they get rich doing it.

• Conservatives think that global warming is a 'hoax', that the Earth is six thousand years old and that scientists have less credibility than priests. They think that religious dogma and superstition is better than the scientific method.

• Conservatives believe that Ronald Reagan was a better President than George Washington.

• They think that if you give tax cuts to the richest one-percent of Americans, the people who need tax cuts the very least, somehow the middle-class will benefit.  They believe that the American poor have too much and that the rich have too little. They think that Robin Hood was a villain.

• Conservatives are sexist and racist. They believe that men are superior to women and that the darker skinned varieties of humans are inferior to the lighter skinned ones. They think that the government should have the right to tell a woman what she can or cannot do with her body but the government should on no account tell the rich what they can or cannot do with their money.

• Conservatives are insecure about their sexuality and think sex is unclean and shameful. They preach boring and historically ineffective 'Abstinence' over fun and effective safe-sex. They would rather ban sex, one of the truly greatest aspects of the human experience altogether than simply teach the youth how to partake in it safely. Conservatives are almost never a good lay, and have not heard of or tried anything other than the missionary position. Divorce rates are highest in conservative, marriage-hyping, red states and this is believed to be a major contributing factor. Also, conservative men would rather watch porn than learn to please their wives.
• When a conservative watches 'Star Wars' he thinks that Darth Vader is the hero and that the Empire is the good side.  
• Conservatives can never defeat liberals in open and honest discussion because they are never right about anything. Beliefs and policies they have defended in the past include,  'the sun revolves around the earth', 'burn the witches', 'the world is flat',  'slavery is okay', 'separate but equal', 'the earth isn't getting warmer', and 'they have weapons of mass destruction' just to name some of their greatest hits.
• History reveals that virtually every incorrect, cruel and stupid political idea was proposed and defended by conservatives, while every idea that  is cherished and now taken to be completely self-evident was liberal. Despotic tyrants like Adolf Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, and Kim Jung Il were/are all extremely conservative, while figures beloved the world over such as Jesus, Gandhi and Martin Luther King were all markedly liberal.
• When conservatives realize they can't beat someone, they simply kill them. Many great liberals have been assassinated or murdered throughout history: Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Harvey Milk, and John Lennon just to name a few. Now try to think of some conservative leaders who have been assassinated.. Wait.. There aren't any. Conservative dicks like George Bush, (father and son) and Dick Cheney only ever work to protect the status-quo, and thus must never fear political assassination.
• Conservatives believe that the Constitution is a work of 'suggestions', not inviolable principles, and they side step it or try to find loop holes whenever constitutional limits on authority become inconvenient for them. 
• There is a reason that America is often referred to as the first 'liberal democracy', and never as a conservative one.
• Conservatives have never contributed to America in any beneficial way. In the Revolutionary war, they would have sided with the British.

Conservative principles

Most conservatives claim their principles are:

• Checking change on tradition, Conservatives imagine the 19th Century was much better than the 21st Century.
• A strong national defense and starting wars in places like Iraq, making things worse
• Return of religious superstition in public schools
• The Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, as long as such possession does not threaten national security (provided Conservatives are in control of the nation; otherwise a threat to national security is considered a Popular Movement.) What about School shootings and the like? Hard luck.
• Running the economy so far too much gets into the hands of the rich
• Stronger law enforcement and anti-crime laws, including the death penalty, they like to punish people but don't care much about helping criminals to reform
• Parents, rather than school teachers, educating children about sex. If parents don’t educate properly, oh well, more parents. 
• Choice in education, especially favoring private schools and homeschooling If homeschooled kids aren’t properly educated that’s hard luck.
• Private medical care and retirement plans. They tend to be against Universal health care.
• Weakening or cancellation of social support programs.
• Prohibition of abortion
• Opposition to same-sex marriage and homosexuals
• Support of laws against pornography. In spite of this porn is popular in the Bible Belt.
• Generally opposed to the United Nations
• Support enforcement of current laws regarding immigration
• Support tightening of border security
• Jingoism, support for getting soldiers killed
• Low taxes, especially in upper income brackets. This goes with not helping those who need help.
• Less power for the federal government and more for local and state governments
• Racism and Neo-nazism
• *Note: From 1854-1908, "Republican" still had the meaning Lincoln intended, which is "liberal". From 1909 onward, it meant "Conservative".
• A persistant belief that strongly held and oft-repeated ideas have a stronger influence on reality than, well, reality.

Breeds of Conservatives

As with any large grouping or community, there are a few different types of conservatives.

It must be noted that while we poke fun at Conservatives, they are not all terrible people. In fact rarely does Political Ideology have sway over how one acts towards another, save for conversations about or around Politics. However, the evangelical ones at Conservapedia are, so prepare for a healthy dose of satire.

Old Conservatives

An Old Conservative tends to be old (obviously), bald and greying, and a worshipper of Satan, while pretending to be a Christian to appeal more to the conservative masses. They have also been known to carry flasks with oil in them to drink when thirsty and briefcases containing blood diamonds. In America, many Republicans are typical Old Conservatives.

Middle Conservatives

A Middle Conservative is a conservative in the middle class of society. They tend to favour conservatism because of their hate to give their money to poor people. Middle conservatives who hold jobs in managerial positions at conglomerates can also referred to as managerial conservatives.

Young Conservatives

Young Conservatives are conservatives of a younger generation than the tradition Republican conservative, however, young conservatives gradually become old conservatives with time. Young Conservatives sometimes adopt "liberal" policies on social matters for mass appeal as they are more in touch with a younger generation than old Conservatives. However, once in power, they will tax you into poverty. A noteworthy example of a young conservative is British Conservative Party leader David Cameron.

Hillbilly

Hillbillies are Americans who typically come from the Southern States of America. They tend to live in caravans and are seen in popular cultures as surviving through inbreeding. Hillbillies tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional intolerance of Black people. Commonly mistaken for Redneck but not the same as the definition of redneck is a lack of sophistication. The fact most rednecks live in areas populated by conservatives is partly a coincidence though worldwide rural people tend to be Conservative, and there are allegedly liberal rednecks, mostly in Minnesota and other Great lakes bordering states.

Evangelical Conservatives

An Evangelical Conservative believes that if you are not a devout Christian that follows the Bible by the letter, you will go to Hell when you die. They tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional advocacy of straitlacedness (I don't known if that's a real word) in social matters, and reject typical liberalism because of it's support for things like abortion. See Christian fundamentalism.

Conservapedians

Conservapedians are evangelical conservatives who run a website called Conservapedia. However, they are different to evangelical conservatives in that they take in interest in world politics rather than just religion. If you do not hold the exact same views as them, or try and provide a rational argument against any of their ideas, you will find yourself blocked for five years. Typical Conservapedians also NEVER EVER EVER admit fault or defeat. Some different types of Conservatives such as John McCain will admit defeat as McCain graciously did after losing the 2008 US presidential election to Barack Obama. Conservapedians, however do not, as there is not one praising comment on their website to Barack Obama (now their president), and very few, if any at all, to other liberals.

Conservative Atheist

A Conservative Atheist is the name given to any conservative who classes themself as an atheist but holds conservative beliefs. These are very rare and usually they classify themselves as "Libertarian as most do not think that gays should be stoned (Ayn Rand may be an exception). They are usually more liberal than an average conservative, simply because they don't believe in creationism, God and the fact that being a homosexual is a disease. Though they do support war, vote for conservatives and hate progressive taxes.

Let's try and find something nice about the Conservatives

President Obama is in favor of inclusiveness. Question: Does that mean we should really try and see if we can find anything at all that's nice about Conservatives? Reply: Conservatives would undoubtedly find that extremely gay and prefer we say something mean about liberals. They are a bunch of bigoted... well nevermind... the conservatives I mean.

Conservatives are often extraordinarily sore losers, which is good for liberals because it allows us to gloat without seeming like dicks.

Is has been observed that if conservatives spend large amounts of time in talking a garden or around plants, the plants there tend to grow larger and stronger. The reason for this is currently unknown.

The conservative revival

Conservatives are a dying breed, by definition, and yet their numbers are quickly growing. Why? Professor Herman Swaotzer believes this is because ideas keep falling out of fashion and into tradition. "Fifty years ago you were a liberal if you thought dancing was not an open invitation to the succubus." (Of course, Dr. Swaotzer is referring to the US, if you don't know by now that you should always assume this, for anything written in American.) "With the proliferations of the internets, liberal trends are having to swim faster than ever to maintain their novelty. In addition, good ideas are more quickly being assimilated into tradition, while liberals are left trying to defend the freakish remains."

The Origin Of Conservatism

Scientists believe conservatism was a type of humor that was very popular in the end of 18th century. Rich and influential, but mentally ass-backwards politicians took it seriously and started the Right-Wing movement. Soon, the Church joined it and spreaded it through the world infesting the economy and stopping all the social and economic progress.

Famous Conservatives

• George W. Bush
• Rush Limbaugh
• Ann Coulter
• The Schlafly family
• Any "concerned mother"
• Dick Cheney
• Satan
• Adolf Hitler
• Hal Turner
• Ronald Reagan
• Rick Warren
• Anyone who thinks America should still be, or should ever have even invaded, Iraq
• John McCain
• Sarah Palin
• Chimpanzees
• God

See Also

• Conservative Intellectualism
• Hillbilly