This article is part satire. Please don't assume we mean it all.
  1. This is meant to be fun but in the 19th Century and the first half of the 20th Century some Conservatives believed a good part of this crap.
  2. Fifty years from now what Conservatives say today will look just as crappy.
Hello, America. Your humble correspondent Glenn Beck reporting. You see, progressivism is the cancer that will kill America and its founding values and founding documents. It is a document-and-value-eating cancer! Because the Evil Socialist Obama Lenin Stalin Mao mandate doctrine is not good for the American Republic! Progressivism has led to many evil things happening, like women being allowed to vote, work outside of the home, and crap like that! It's awful! Now, the only way to save this land and take it back from those evil liberal socialist Nazi commies is to follow my great orders!


History of ProgressivismEdit

The Founding Fathers only intended white men with land to vote. But now, we let African Americans, those Native Americans we were supposed to kick off the land, women, and those other stupid racial minorities. In fact, they've even let them go to office! Those idiot Democrats elected a biracial evil Stalin hippie-closet Communist! But, where did American progressivism originate? As a scholar in American history I say, it came from Teddy Roosevelt and the Bull Moose Party. Roosevelt helped the God-forsaken poor! Why? Because he wanted to turn America into the Soviet Union. But, then came Woodrow Wilson! He raised wages for railroad workers! How could that filthy Communist raise wages for those idiot workers! And the 14 Points? Give me a break! I HATE THAT GUY! I HATE THAT GUY! I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE THAT GUY!

FDR! FDR! That filthy Zedong-esque guy created the New Deal which prolonged the Great Depression! Hoover had it right, do nothing and it will take care of itself. That's what the free market is there for. Under FDR, the government grew 666%! We all know that number 666 is evil!!! The New Deal brought a bunch of communist programs like social security, CCC, labor regulations, oh my God how bad they are! That's why these progressives are sooooo evil!

Progressivism and MinoritiesEdit

Progressive policies like the Civil rights Movement actually were a smack in the face to our Founders! Why are we letting a bunch of uneducated people who are rightfully slaves teach our children, serve in our community, or be elected to public office? Because of progressives! Progressives think that Jefferson meant all men as ALL MEN! instead of white men. That's what the Restoring Honor Rally was about: ruining Dr. King's legacy since he helped these minorities

Progressivism and WomenEdit

The Bible, the Real Law of the Land, specifically states that women are to submit to their husbands, stay and work at the home, and work no matter how much of a jerk their husband actually is. They weren't supposed to be able to vote, work outside the home, or do something outside of stay at home and watch the kids! So, let's go back to the working policies!

Progressivism and KidsEdit

Kids are a bunch of idiots. All little kids do is whine about not having the new XBOX 360 game. All teenagers do is go to parties, get drunk, and knock each other up and then go for abortions. Progressives already own their souls. Who cares?

Then again... the Fox News poll I conducted does say that Barack HUSSEIN Obama has indoctrinated kids and brought a bunch of crap like helping each other, and crap like that.

My pointEdit

Progressives are evil Stalin lovers. Good night, America.

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