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Guide to trolling atheists

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Here we're parodying Conservapedia and we know we're exaggerating.

Trolling atheists

If you belong to any religion (but especially if you're a "Christian") you're probably already a troll but don't know it. A few more pointers and you're the nonstop lulz machine:

  1. Be Pretentious: Any way you can let the world know about your "religion", without giving atheists a polite way to comment on it, is sure to turn up the aggravation.
  2. Carry Bible Everywhere: the Flat Earth Society Newsletter, and... well the list is just too long. And you may as well be wearing a shirt that says, "I don't read these to find out what's inside, and I don't think they are good books... I read them because they have, and always will be PERFECT instructions for what I am to do (as interpolated by my Priest or Pastor)." You want to have your Bible at every restaurant, library, Movie theater, Bathroom; definitely in your shopping cart at the grocery store.
  3. Proselytize Without Real Conversation: It is important to never give the atheist a polite way to voice their opinion, so they will have to resort to backstabbing techniques hopefully ending in some metaphorical "crucifixion" for you which of course means $$$$ PROFIT!!!! whether by the sympathy you will gain from your cronies or the fence sitters; or when you receive your martyrs crown from God. Bible tracks were invented for this purpose. Just say, "Merry Christmas" with your tee shirt that says, "He is the reason." They will know what you really mean, trust us.
  4. Be Dismissive and Subtly Condescending: Many have gone before you. And there are certain ways of speaking that are simply normal and expected of you. On your way to martyrdom, invariably you will have to talk to some atheist sooner or later. They will confront you with a weak and hopeless form of whining that they like to call "reason". After they have gone to pathetic lengths to explain something that is trivially obvious, nod with pity in your eyes and reply like you didn't hear a word they said. That's why they really deserve your pity, but don't tell them that.
  5. Procreate, procreate, procreate!: Your new motto shall be, "Reasons smeasons we've got LEGIONS! Chant this at your various pep rallies, and whatnot. The pretext is not really important, so long as you have an obstinate zeal for some authority, other than the atheists beloved "scientific community". Try it at your sporting events, school celebrations, political rallies, rodeos; but when you go to church you must SING it with all teh luuuv in yo' heart. If our married women and elder daughters are suffering, if our whole families are Poor because there are too many of you that's unimportant. We must out-breed our enemies like the Duggar family

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