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Sometimes the sillier Conservatives can't even tell when we're joking.

A hippo.

The Hippopotamus is a large (up to 3.5 tonnes) mammal from Africa. They have short legs, usually appear to be obese and are known for there very large (and deadly) canines. These animals live mostly in water (which explains why they can be obese and have small legs) and eat grass. Hippos are very aggressive and kill more people than any other African mammal every year. Conservatives try to kill hippos for their meat and teeth. Neocons also drain the rivers where the hippos live so they can use the water for their own selfish purposes.

Hippopotamuses, despite looking obese with small, stubby legs, they are much faster than the average human, they can run as fast as an olympic sprinter, so attempting to outrun a hippo would be the death of you if one targets you. Their bite force is known to be the strongest bite force of any mammal, excluding the jaguar. They can break a full-grown crocodile's armoured back with their jaws as though it were a candy cane. Although the healthy, full-grown hippo has no real predators besides humans, the young, the old, the sick, or the very badly injured are still susceptible to predation. They spend most of the day sleeping or hanging out in water and will go out at night to feed on plants, mostly grass. Hippos live in herds, and males will viciously fight for food, territory, or a mate. Hippos are believed to be closely related to whales. Wild hippos are only found in Africa.


The legendary Behemoth was probably a Hippopotamus. A find of dinosaur bones may have inspired the Behemoth text if it was not a hippo. Writers of the Old Testament would not have analysed dinosaur bones as modern paleontologists do. Alternatively descriptions of hippos confused with dinosaur finds may have inspired the text. The text may also refer to a hippo and nothing else.

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