Queen Elizabeth II

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We exaggerate just a little sometimes.

Queen Elizabeth II is the Monarch of the United Kingdom as well as the Commonwealth, 15 additional other nations which include Australia (whether they like it or not), New Zealand, Canada (which seems to think this makes them European.), Jamaica and the rest...mostly small islands in the West Indies and a few you've never heard of in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. She is also the "Defender of the Faith" as head of the Church of England, so she is kind of like their pope though nobody says she’s infallible. Most biographies and articles state that the Queen or monarch of the UK has no real political power, has largely a ceremonial role or does not get involved with political decisions as it is a Constitutional Monarchy. This is incorrect on several levels. The United Kingdom has no written constitution... Furthermore, the Queen and her family are one of the wealthiest families in the country and in the world. Finally, several of the Queen's official duties and responsibilities do include day to day approval and running of government function.


Queen Elizabeth II was born in London on April, 21 1926. She was the first child of the Duke and Duchess of York and named Elizabeth Alexandra Mary. At home she was called Lilibet. 


Some biographies have listed "Windsor" as her surname. Like most fabulous people (Madonna, Cher, et al dropping your birth name does not make you fabulous) Royals do not have surnames (yes they do and they changed it to Windsor in WWI before that they were House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha or something) - royals sometimes use their Dynastic House name as a surname if they relinquish by choice or otherwise, their standing as member of Royalty. Royals can also use their country as a surname, such as Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom on official or legal documents. She was home schooled along with her younger sister, Margaret Rose. If you want to imagine what she was like as a child, just think of a Sloanie version of Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Presumptious heirs but not apparentEdit

Her father became King George VI. He was not expected to inherit the throne, as his brother David (or Edward Albert Christian George Andrew Patrick David Wins if you want to go by his full name... we aren’t sure if royals have surnames, as we’ve mentioned...) was next in line. Edward, (previously called David) was something else, all right...The prettiest blond haired blue eyed boy in a sailor suit you ever did see. It seems he only got a sexual charge from dating and sleeping with other men's wives and it didn't hurt to be an American. Edward liked to date women that his mother and father (the King and Queen) would disapprove of, such as, well anyone who was not a first cousin. Being American was considered a social disease to the aristocracy of his father's (King George V) generation and as Edward himself was a massive racist and anti-semite, the most controversial thing he could do was date other men's American wives. As the English do not have emotions, no husband had a problem with the presumed heir to the throne getting "handsy" with their wives.

Long story short, David (Edward) ascended the throne as King Edward VIII but "Palined" (quit unexpectedly short of end of term obligations) (see Sarah Palin) after about one year. He wanted to marry some American's second wife (a divorcée herself) called Wallis Simpson of all things, and obviously the British people would not accept her as Royal Consort much less Queen Regent, so he and Wallis left England to live in France happily ever after while Bertie was dragged kicking and screaming to the throne, crowned King George VI. King George by all accounts seemed a perfectly likeable fellow. He had a stammer, was "knock kneed" and left handed, which was considered a mental illness in those days. Okay, maybe not a mental illness, but discouraged by use of physical violence, non-the-less.


Edward ​ as it turns out, harboured some Nazi sympathies and had hoped for a German victory in WWII, as he had been told by Adolf Hitler himself that he would be reinstated on the throne with Wallis as Queen. Well, that never happened. Edward was forced to be the governor of the Bahamas during the war to keep him "out of harm’s way" (stop him collaborating with the Nazis). It should be noted that in the days before offshore financing took off and air travel tourism, the Bahamas of the 1940's was very different than we think of it today. Most of the country did not have electricity and racial policies led to violent riots and other civil unrest.

He went from His Majesty, King Edward the Eighth, of Great Britain, Ireland, and of the British Dominions beyond the Seas, Emperor of India to taking a civil servant position on an uncomfortable, humid island far, far from civilization.

After the war as a punishment Edward, Duke of Winsor as he became was exiled to a pleasant part of the South of France and he was only allowed back to Britain once a year in November when he laid a wreath at the British war memorial, honoured the war dead and pretended he’d never been a Nazi sympathiser.

Marriage to PhilipEdit


With her father on the throne, young Elizabeth secured her place as the presumed heiress to the throne apparent. This made the young princess suddenly much more attractive to her hundreds of penniless first and second cousins throughout Europe. One such cousin she particularly fancied was Philip Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksberg, "prince of Greece with another German sounding name. As he was no longer a prince, he used his dynastic name as a surname. His family, which had a dubious claim to the Greek throne to begin with as they were mostly Danish and German, had been exiled from Greece after the war between Greece and Turkey and had never even bothered to learn a word of Greek. The reigning monarch must approve all marriages in the court, so Elizabeth at age 18 asked permission of the king (her father) to marry Philip. The heiress of the head of the Church of England, wanted to marry a man who was of Greek Orthodox faith (although he didn't speak a word of Greek), not a British citizen with no British titles and from a very German sounding dynastic house, which would naturally be transferred to the Queen and heirs. All of these problems were handled, Philip changed faiths (difficult if you really believe), his future father in law helped with the immigration issue and also made him the Duke of Edinburgh, Philip adopted the previously German but Anglicized surname of his maternal grandparents, "Mountbatten" (formerly Germna sounding Battenberg) and Princess Elizabeth and Philip married about a year after the end of World War II in 1947.

Philip a Nazi?Edit

There is a lot of speculation that Prince Philip Mountbatten (nee Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glucksberg) is himself a Nazi. This is absolutely probably possibly not true err does Godwin's law apply? Can we be sure? What is true is that four of his much older sisters all married high ranking Nazi officers and that Philip was educated in Nazi Germany in the 1930's. [1]

Also he marched in at least one Nazi parade.

It was later discovered, (by Prince Philip's spin doctors) that one of his teachers at Gordonstoun was Jewish, [1] so that means something, right? Well Philip didn't have a choice where he was educated but he sent his sons including Charles there and had a choice. Charles was unhappy at Gordonstoun so it looks like Philip wah an insensitive father but he doesn't look so much like a Nazi. [2] Nazis are into the physical education stuff that Gordonstoun did but Nazis don't want Jews doing it for their kids.

It is true that Prince Philip is a massive racist, anti-semite and a fascist, which I think is the definition of Nazi..... part of the definition of a Nazi as Nazism also includes, belief in the manifest destiny of the German people to rule, belief in the Hitler's manifest destiny to rule and various other matters of faith.

Commander in chiefEdit

As previously mentioned, it is a myth that the Queen's role is largely ceremonial. The Queen holds and practices real power, although she may use intermediary ministers. Officially, the Queen has the power to dissolve parliament, legislate by letters patent, legislate by orders in council, she has the same legal powers as the attorney general and can dismiss legal cases, she can pardon convicted criminals, reduce prison sentences, declare war, negotiate treaties, claim new territories, declare conscription (draft) for the navy, appoint and dismiss ministers, declare state of emergency, requisition ships, issue and revoke passports, deny entry and expel foreign nationals to the United Kingdom, (see Rush Limbaugh). The Queen is the commander in chief of the armed forces and declared war on Iraq at the advice of Tony Blair, Prime Minister and Parliament.

She just doesn't use these powers except when asked to by elected ministers or if she does use real power the British people don't find out.


  • The Queen actually owns the United Kingdom.
  • The Queen is not allowed to eat onions or garlic.
  • The Queen owns all whales, dolphins, porpoises, and sturgeons in British waters
  • As recently as 2004, a fisherman was arrested for catching and selling sturgeon in Swansea Bay
  • The Queen owns all swans on the River Thames.
  • The Queen speaks fluent French, probably because of (in case she ever has to move to Quebec for some reason).
  • The Queen is not allowed to carry cash money. How strange would life be if your face was on every bank note, coin and stamp and you could never carry it?
  • Like Sarah Palin, she believes she was chosen by God to be queen. This is sometimes called "The Divine Rights of Kings", and got her distant relative, King Charles I, in some fact he lost his head for it.
  • The Queen is commander in chief of the armed forces
  • She is an unelected woman who was born into a position of influence.
  • She is more important than normal people because she is Queen. And there is nothing normal people can do about her being Queen, and she gets a lot of money for doing a lot of nothing something.
  • The Queen gets to "support" the nation, whilst at the same time refusing any non-Protestants into her family. The Royal Family are Fascists something no less.

See alsoEdit


  1. Prince Philip pictured at Nazi funeral

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