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Scotland

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Scotland
Scotland-snow
Brrrrrr
Capital: Edinburgh
Population: 5,144,200 est
First Minister Alex Salmond
Area 30,414 sq mi
Conspinsmall
For those who live in an alternate reality, the so-called-experts at Conservapedia have an article about Scotland.


We sometimes like to mix parody and satire with good information. We know you're smart enough to tell the difference.

Scotland is one of the four constituent Countries that form the United Kingdom.[1] Occupying the northern third of the island of Great Britain, it shares a border with England to the south and the rest by the sea. In addition to the mainland, Scotland consists of over 790 islands[2] including the Northern Isles and the Hebrides. Its largest city is Glasgow and its capital is Edinburgh.

Scotland is further north than the rest of the UK which makes it colder. The Scottish highlands include the highest mountain in Britain, Ben Nevis and the English think of Scotland as a cold place to the north. Scottish highland scenery has a stark beauty that is considered unique to Europe.
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PoliticsEdit

Scotland elects members to the UK parliament as well as the Scottish Parliament. Despite their autonomy Scottish Members of the UK Parliament have the same powers to vote on English only matters as English MP's do and there is no equivalent English parliament. The last UK prime minister (Gordon Brown) is Scottish and so is the chancellor however the Scottish nationalists currently form a minority government in the Scottish parliament,[3], making Scotland the first country in existence to vote for a party that wants independence from the country they run, this can probably be put down to a high fat diet[4], drug dependency[5] and inbreeding. A referendum on Scottish independence is planned.

HistoryEdit

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Most of Scottish history has centered around their (well founded) suspicion and hatred of their southern neighbor, England.

Between 927 and 1603, Scotland was either preparing for or at War with England. England, (a country filled with mostly German people) had always wanted to get together with Scotland, but Scotland wasn't that into it, which only made England come on stronger. Scotland needed allies against the English and since England has a history of being kind of a dick, it wasn't too hard to find them. Unfortunately, mutual hatred of a common enemy is not always enough to base an alliance upon. In 1295, France and Scotland formed an old alliance called the "Auld Alliance", (Scottish people love adding silent "L"'s and spelling words with as many vowels as possible, unlike the Welsh, who like to spell words with as few vowels and as many consonants and "Y"'s as possible). The terms of the treaty stipulated that if either country was attacked by England, the other country would come to their aid.

The French, (in one of the earliest recorded examples of a stereotype) behaved like assholes and complained about EVERYTHING when they came to Scotland. In their own land the French knights said they were allowed to take whatever they wanted, regardless of the feelings of the common people. But when they sent out "foragers" (thieves who would break into your home and take things) into the Scottish countryside, they were killed by the outraged peasantry (can you blame them?). The French finally agreed to stop stealing stuff and saying it was their "custom".

The French started to hate the Scots as much, if not more than the English and some decided that an alliance between England and France might be a better arrangement so that they could come together and destroy their mutual enemy, Scotland.

In spite of hating each other, the alliance lasted almost 400 years.

French culinary influence on Scottish "cuisine" is a myth.

One controversial AmericanEdit

According to leading conservative Pat Robertson, Scotland is a "dark country full of Homosexuals" [6]. However, contrary to what he thinks, Scotland does in fact get almost 10 hours of sunlight nearly every year, and many of its inhabitants are Heterosexual, though they would probably make an exception in order to have buttsex with Pat Robertson, just to see the look on his face (in the mirror) they've probably never heard of Pat Robertson because Pat is American and Scottish people are UK'ers. Funnily enough, Robertson is a Scottish surname. [2]

Scottish HumourEdit

Scottish people are one of the angriest races in the British Isles, and that's including the Irish, (the term British Isles is a touchy subject with the Irish so...you know, watch it they're mean when they drink). Scientist think it has to do with so many gingers (Scotland has the most gingers in the world!), other contributing factors include crappy weather, crappy food, being either drunk or hungover and being neighbors with the English.

Fatbastardscot-739250

One thing that really cheers a Scot up is their sense of humour.

Under the kilt

Unlike the English, with their carefully timed entendre and innuendos, their surreal sense of the absurd, their provocative dark humour or their send up of English Class system, including complete lack of respect for the actual owners of those British Isles, (not part of Ireland), the Queen herself, the Scotch have two jokes. One is some kind of fart joke. Everyone in Scotland young or old, lower middle class or upper, lower middle class loves a good flatulence based joke. The other joke is Q: "What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?" A:"his manhood" (his dick). So there you have it, dick jokes and farts. If you ever visit Scotland, you will most likely hear the kilt joke about 17 times a day, just be polite and laugh.


Of course this is all satire, the Scottish people are actually incredibly warm, (compared to the English) funny, talented people (did I mention I was Scottish?)

Scottish MusicEdit

Like all cold, gloomy, dreary places (see Seattle ) Scotland produces some of the finest musical acts in the world. Belle and Sebastian, Annie Lennox, Rod Stewart, The Fratellis, Sheena Easton, The Bay City Rollers and the rest with the exception of Susan Boyle and The Proclaimers.

External linksEdit

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ReferencesEdit

  1. The Countries of the UK.
  2. Scotland in short.
  3. Salmond prepares for SNP minority government
  4. Obesity statistics 'frightening'
  5. It's shite being Scottish
  6. [1]

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