Shawn Hannity

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Here we're parodying Conservapedia and we know we're exaggerating.

For a sensible article on this topic see Sean Hannity.

Shawn Hannity Summary Edit

Shawn Hannity, twin brother of Sean Hannity , was a professional 'waste of space' on the world renown Fox News reality show until he sacrificed himself for Islam and became a martyr. He recently sent back word that he could only count 10 virgins in the afterlife because he couldn't remember what number came after 10. Due to Shawn having a moderate political ideology sometimes, he has been awarded multiple prestigious prizes in Journalism and Debauchery. A "fair and balanced" commentator by all accounts, he brought on a wide range of viewpoints by calling in guests like Dick Cheney, and Osama Bin Laden from exotic places like the Military Industrial Complex and Arabistan respectively. 

Childhood Edit

Shawn was born somewhere between 1945 and 2010. Scientists have been unable to determine his year of birth due to his childish behavior on television; however, proven facts are that he was born on the 25th of December in Backwater, Ala'Bama. He grew up as a Sunni Muslim to gay parents, the ninth child of Zaid-Abdul-Hassan and his third husband Saddam Jr. Before going to school every morning, Shawn packed a prayer rug, a Koran, and an AK-47 in case he needed to preach his faith to filthy infidels.

At around this time in America, a conservative movement had sprung up against the oppressive Japanese car manufacturer's plan to "stop global warming." The teenage Hannity could only condemn the barbarism by writing it in his school's well known newspaper "Not the News". This moment changed Hannity's life forever, as he had finally stepped into the retarded world of politics. 

Shawn Hannity was accepted into an outrageously prestigious community college that nobody remembers the name to, earned a degree in Political Science after struggling for years to learn what the definition of political science was. Despite him taking 6 years to graduate from a 2 year school, he came out finally learning how to do addition, (but not subtraction). 

Radio Host Career Edit

Now free to pursue his wishes, Hannity realized he couldn't build a broadcasting station as he virtually had no money. He decided to suck dick for a living pleasure patrons. His favorite customer was the holy guru of conservatism Donald Trump, successor to Ronald Reagan. After a few summer flings, the two were married on a yacht in the Bermuda Triangle. 

Donald was a big guy. NOT IN THAT WAY. Get your mind out of the gutter. 

Trump had connections, and he hooked him up with professional goon Bill O'Reilly to be an intern on the Fox Reality Show. The possibility that Hannity could rise to stardom drove him to work hard every day, and take an ass whopping from Bill without complaints. The two would disagree on everything, Shawn a true liberal, refused to accept the conservative vomit that came out of O' Reilly. It wasn't until Donald Trump threatened to "beat the liberal out of ya" when Hannity decided to become a moderate. 

The Star on Fox Edit

His hour eventually turns into a shitshow. with eveyone screaming at one another and threating to burn down the building if they dont concede in the arguement. Eventually it ends with Shawn having to literally shit his pants in fear so that they go to commercial break. Hannity is rumored to have stocked six fresh pairs of Fruit of the Loom under his desk everyday. Interestingly, hannity seemed to have only supported Hanes underwear in public, probably a publicity stunt due to a backroom deal with a hint of crony Capitalism and guttersnipery.  

Martyrdom Edit

Eventually Hannity got fed up with trying to preach the world a moderate message, so he went full on Neo-Con and joined Al-Qaeda (who did 9/11). His last words echoed across America, as he went out in a blaze of glory. In total, the attack hurt zero civilians, except Shawn, who accidentally pulled the trigger while swimming in the swamp.  

See alsoEdit

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