Stargate is a blasphemous TV show starring those dang Vancouver Atheist actors.

Reasons why it's blasphemousEdit



  • Lieutenant General George S. Hammond: Head of Stargate Command, has a bald head. Retired and later kicked the bucket.
  • Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Formerly head of SG-1. He was punished by a promotion and a desk job for saving the Earth.
  • Major General Hank Landry: Current head of the SGC. He dislikes hunting.
  • Colonel Samantha Carter: Former head of SG-1 and the Atlantis expedition. She is a soldier, scientist, astrophysicist, engineer, leader, pilot, doctor, brick layer, quarterback, barber, cook, superhero, and internet at the same time. She's an internet? Can I surf her?
  • Colonel Cameron Mitchell: current head of SG-1. He is known for constantly getting the crap beaten out of him five ways to Tuesday.
  • Colonel Albert Reynolds: Head of SG-3. And SG-1 fanboy
  • Colonel Lionel Pendergast: CO of the Prometheus, killed because he had a full head of hair.
  • Colonel Paul Emerson: CO of the Odyssey, killed because he had a full head of hair
  • Colonel Chekov: CO of the Korolev, killed because he was Russian.
  • Colonel Ian Davidson: Old geezer who's in charge of the Odyssey. Is bald.
  • Major Kevin Marks: Bridge officer onboard the Prometheus, Odyssey, Apollo, and Daedalus. Took sixteen episodes to go from Lieutenant to Major.
  • Major Paul Davis: Pentagon Liaison to the SGC. Has been a Major for 12 years.
  • Major Evan Lorne: Transferred to Atlantis.
  • Major Louis Feretti: Head of SG-2.
  • Major Charles Kawalsky: Head of SG-2, killed in the second episode.
  • Dr. Daniel Jackson: Archaeologist, Anthropologist, Egyptologist, can speak in over 46 different languages. He tends to be killed a lot, then brought back to life, naked, in front of the rest of everyone else. Quite embarassing. In one memorable incident, he was forced to use a U.S. flag as a toga.
  • Teal'c: Jaffa who worked with SG-1 for 10 years, currently a slimy politcian of the Free Jaffa Nation.
  • Vala Mal Doran: Thief who hijacked the Prometheus. She went legit in Season 10.
  • Jonas Quinn: Temporary replacement Daniel Jackson.
  • Robert Kinsey: Slimy politician.
  • Henry Hayes: President of the United States of America.
  • Tomin: former Ori troop commander, currently a turncoat.
  • Adria: Very sexy, very deadly.
  • Ori: Energy beings who drain the life out of you for power.
  • Ancients: Neglectful precursors with a lot of convenient pieces of technology.


  • Dr. Elizabeth Wier: Head of the Atlantis expedition for three years. Killed by Replicators, then cloned, then killed, then reborn, then killed again. . .
  • Col. Samantha Carter: Head of Atlantis for nine months.
  • Dr. Richard Woolsey: bald person in charge of Atlantis. His legal background is extensive. His medical background could be too, but in a virtual sort of way.
  • Lt. Col. John SheppAAArd: Military Commander of Atlantis
  • Dr. Rodney McKay: Head scientist on Atlantis, had Alzheimers (actually a parasite deactivating his neurons, but who cares) for several weeks. He was also shot in the ass by an arrow. One of his most notorious acts was putting his face on the flag of a country.
  • Teyla: Athosian who punctuates every sentence with "My People".
  • Lt. Aiden Ford: former member of SheppAAArd's team, ran away because he was addicted to Wraith Enzyme. Later got vaped by a nuke.
  • Ronon Dex: All muscle, no brains. Member of SheppAAArd's team who replaced Ford. Has a really cool gun.
  • Dr. Radek Zelenka: Czech scientist who is McKay's bitch. He swears in Czech a lot. This is normally fine, as no one can understand him, though it isn't fine when Rodney has been given telepathy.
  • Colonel Steven Caldwell: Angry Bald Commander of the Daedalus.
  • Colonel Abraham Ellis: Commander of the Apollo who is a member of the Green Lantern Corps.
  • Major Evan Lorne: 2IC of Atlantis' military personnel. Painter and sleepwalker in his free time.
  • Chuck: gate technician on Atlantis.
  • Amelia Banks: female gate technician who can kickbox.
  • Todd: Wraith who provides plot points, information, corny jokes, and lots of cheap drama.
  • Cowen: Head of the Genii. Used to be named Chief Petty Officer Miles Edward O'Brien before being forced to change his identity by the Witness Protection Program. Currently vaporised by a nuke.
  • Kolya: SheppAAArd's archnemesis. Currently dead.
  • Wraith: Life-sucking vampire goths.
  • Asurans: Replicators repackaged.
  • Michael: Angry Wraith who wants to rule the galaxy. Might have something to do with having been senselessly killed off in a former life.
  • Lost Tribe: Evil Asgard who experiment on humans.


  • Colonel Everett Young: Admiral Adama Fooled around with TJ's babby daddy (despite being married to somebody else), bodyswaps with Telford.
  • Colonel Telford: Complete and total jerk, but still on Earth. Fools around with Young's wife.
  • First Lieutenant Matthew Scott: Immature playboy, fooled around with Vanessa James and currently fools around with Chloe, has a young son who never really met his father.
  • First Lieutenant Tamara Johansen: Medic, in way over her head.
  • Master Sergeant Ronald Greer: One bad mother f*****
  • Eli Wallace: Slacker, "Math Boy," and wants to fool around with Chloe.
  • Nicholas Rush: Stranded everybody on the Ancient ship Destiny to begin with, possibly wants to fool around with the ship.
  • Chloe Armstrong: Pointless sex object.
  • Camille Wray: HR Rep, lesbian.

Adapted from a deleted Rationalwiki article

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