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Starting a New Religion

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Do you want people to bow down to you whenever they see you? Do you want people to worship you, and think you're God? If they don’t think you’re God being God’s Chosen One is almost as good. People should trust God you completely. People should hand control of their lives over to God you. Otherwise you’re not doing it properly.

Starting a new sect or a new church of an existing religion can be done similarly.

Doctrines and rewardsEdit

  1. First convince yourself that you have a special relationship with God, the gods, the Space aliens, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Other World, Chuck Norris, something wonderful and holy. (You don't have to convince yourself provided you can convince your followers [see above], but it helps.) Anyone can be a self-proclaimed prophet; you just have to proclaim yourself to be a prophet. Then convince your followers that you have a special relationship with God, the gods, the Aliens, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc. ,something special. Your followers should be ready to evangelize for your religion. Your followers may well lose their old friends who are now bored to death with hearing how wonderful your religion is. That’s not a problem. Your followers just get more dependent on their relationships within Your Church.
  2. Develop a load of impressive sounding bullshit respected religious doctrines. This can take many forms provided you and your followers are on the right side and the others are on the wrong side. Alternatively all religions are different paths to the correct side which naturally is your side. You should speak and or write with a load of incomprehensible religious or scientific Jargon that looks and sounds impressive. It doesn’t have to make sense. It just needs to be impressive. Optional, make up new jargon for yourself, here's how Scientology did that. That makes your religion special and unique. Your Sacred Text should ideally include wonderful Miracles which are convincingly demonstrated. These miracles prove that the Sacred Text is true. Only a God as wonderful as the God of your religion could possibly have done these miracles. The miracles certainly really happened because the Sacred Text says so and the Sacred Text must be true.
  3. Convince your followers that believing what you tell them will bring wonderful rewards. A really clever trick is to persuade them that they will receive the said rewards after they die. That way, if they are disappointed with the rewards, at least they won't be able to whine about it to you! Convince your followers that in order to receive the above rewards they should believe you unquestioningly like little children. Questioning what you say is bad and spiritually weak. Your doctrines are The Truth! Rational thought and the scientific method don’t apply. Followers must believe The Sacred Text in its entirety. Children must be taught the religion before they are old enough to see it doesn’t make sense. Their children must be taught the sacred religion when they are young so they will enjoy these wonderful rewards. Teaching children while they are little also fulfill whatever legal requirement regarding not leaving their children at home away from their parents, who should be in the Church building as often as you want them to anyways. Believing only parts that make sense just isn’t good enough. Followers must believe so strongly that they will be fed to lions rather than deny your precious teachings.

Doctrines and punishmentsEdit

  1. Convince your followers that not believing what you tell them will bring terrible punishments now or after they die. That way they stay scared even if nothing bad happens. If scientists say parts of The Sacred Text don’t make sense then those scientists are an abomination. Your followers must not get the type of education which would show where The Sacred Text is wrong. Ideally followers should study Sacred Texts, worship and gather good things for you. Children must be taught the religion before they are old enough to see it doesn’t make sense. Their children must be taught the sacred religion when they are young so they will escape punishments. Prescribe punishments for those in your community who don't believe The Sacred Text you have written. Prescribe punishments for those in your community who don't believe some parts of The Sacred Text you have written.
  2. Convince your followers further that they should test all other religious and doctrines. If other doctrines are irrational or unscientific it’s virtuous to point this out. If the followers of other religions follow silly ideas like little children naturally that’s bad. Those who follow other teachings deserve nothing better than to be fed to lions.

MoralsEdit

You are on the way to getting your religion sorted. What should your moral code be like? There are two possibilities.

  1. The first is to make the code so hard that everybody is bound to fail. That way your followers will be forever grovelling over their various shortcomings and coming to you in supplication, hoping that you will forgive them or put things right with the Higher Power/Powers. Brainwash your followers properly. They should spend half their time feeling inferior because they can't keep your unrealistic moral code. They should spend the other half feeling superior to those who don't even try an unrealistic moral code. A hard moral code will suit you if you are sadistically minded and keen to dominate your followers. Naturally as God or as God’s Chosen One you yourself are above criticism. (Roman Catholics traditionally practised self flagellation as do some Protestants. Shia Moslems self flagellate as well. Requiring that could appeal to you.)
  2. The alternative is a moral code that is easy to follow. That way your followers are pleased that they can do as expected and stay faithful. You can share and enjoy whatever orgies or other lax moral things your followers do.

MiscellaneousEdit

  1. Avoid locations where other people may suspect you to be a nutjob, especially in the initial stages of your path to domination preaching the salvation. Have lots of armed bodyguards if you have to be in those places.
  2. Start your own website. Tell people that you are sure the world will end in 2012 (Insert date/time here, in case you don't manage to complete your scriptures by then). Only your followers will be saved. Everyone else will be destroyed/enslaved by the followers you God for all eternity. When the world doesn’t end revise the date. Tell your followers that any natural disaster came upon people because they sinned against the aforementioned deity you have a link to. If the people killed in the disaster were apparently virtuous, tell them they sinned in their hearts. In case most of the victims happens to be your followers, an alternative can be said that your deity request these victims to fasttrack to the rewards you said they have been promised.
  3. Tell your followers to expect that unbelievers and family will hate them and criticize them and make up stories about you - The True Messiah. That way, when friends and family criticize the true believers and newspapers reveal the truth of your sordid sex life You - The Messiah - will be able to say, "See, it's happening exactly as I predicted. These things must make your faith stronger!".
  4. Tell your followers that blessings and curses are real powerful and tangible. Only you have power to give/remove curses or give/remove blessings. Tell them they're already cursed but you can remove the curses. Optionally, tell them if they leave your religion you will curse them again their blessings will be removed. Make up some frightening jargon about a generation curse or something.
    Variant. Tell your followers that those disciples you have empowered can overcome the curse of whatever. Those who have studied diligently your sacred mysteries can also discover hidden messages, defeat curses and obtain blessings. Naturally, learning the divine mysteries is very expensive. Give a free introductory course to get them interested and frightened. Later, they start paying.

Nice thingiesEdit

Right now everyone is hopeful and scared. It’s time for the next step. Require your followers to provide you with any nice thingies that you like to have including:-

  1. give you a large part of their incomes,
  2. give you their virgin daughters as brides if you’re a man or a lesbian (Or perhaps their wives, husbands or lovers - as some people consider virgins to be seriously overrated, and hey, it's your religion so you make the rules.)
  3. give you handsome considerate male lovers if you’re gay or a woman,
  4. have mating rituals performed by your followers as part of your religious rituals in case you happen to enjoy voyeurism.
  5. perform mating rituals yourself as part of your religious rituals in case you happen to enjoy exhibitionism.
  6. give you cheese, wine, beer, ..... nice healthy lentils or beans, healthy lentils will certainly make a good impression with the faithful. There’s one problem. GOD DOESN’T FART AND NEITHER DOES GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE. God isn’t subject to flatus and neither is God’s representative.[1] If that need arises tell your followers that you wish to meditate alone to provide them with spiritual benefits.


If you follow the steps outlined above you should have it made for the rest of your life. Don’t worry about what will happen to you in the afterlife. There’s no evidence for any.

See alsoEdit

FootnotesEdit


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