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The Bible

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Into the Promised Land, Joshua 18, Abandoned Bible, White Oak Bayou, Houston, Texas 0420091320BW

The Holy Bible

We sometimes like satire in Liberapedia so please don't take everything seriously.

Very many, possibly most liberals have some religious faith and there are Conservative atheists. We're liberal Freethinkers on this website and we like getting together with others who agree with us.

This article attacks Conservative Christians though we recognise that Liberal Christians can be better.

The Bible (also called the Buy Bull) is a work of fiction that the Christian religion is based off of, it says that there is a Magic Sky Wizard who governs the Universe. America is special to their God Americans of the Religious Right think America (the USA is special to their God but the Bible doesn't even mention America. He will send you to Hell to burn forever if you don't follow his special rules (or join the their political Party, as the far-right evangelicals often tell you). Christianity is a universal, proselytizing religion aiming to convert as many people as possible, as long as those people are bigots and are willing to give money to the church. The Bible is divided into two sections - the Old Testament and the New Testament. The most important parts of the Bible (the Gospels) through the teachings of Jesus espouse liberal viewpoints such as helping the poor, turning the other cheek, and healing the sick free-of-charge, but most Christians (mostly the fundamentalists) have never read the Bible.

Conservatives and the bibleEdit

If conservatives ever read the Bible properly they will realize that its teachings, particularly those of Jesus are fundamentally liberal and completely at odds with the ideology of the Republican party. More on this later. Conservapedia is trying to edit "liberally biased" parts of the Bible because they can't handle the fact that if their religion really were true, upon death they would all be quickly condemned to hell for being so UN-christ-like. Fortunately for them, Christianity, like all other religions is a fairy tale, is not actually true and does not have to be taken seriously by rational people. Some people believe that the Bible predicated 9/11.[1]


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Old Testament Edit

The Old Testament is aimed at a Conservative readership and highlights Conservative values such as smiting one's enemies, vengeance[2][3], slaughtering those who disagree with you and stealing other people's countries[4]. It also preaches the slaying of all pagans[5], even the children of pagans who have no control over their being born to them[6], and it says to stone the gays[7], non-believers, and disobedient children[8] [9]to death.  More.

New Testament Edit

Jesus-dinosaur

The New Testament is aimed at a Liberal readership and highlights Liberal values such as mercy[10], forgiveness [11], love[12] and generosity[13].

The principal characters in the Bible are God, and his son Jesus. God is very keen on smiting and appears to be a conservative whilst Jesus has more liberal views some of the time. Jesus also scared the sh*t out of people telling them about Hell. Much of the narrative tension in the book derives from this troubled family relationship. Over years the New Testament has been edited countless times (the Romans edited the day when Jesus was born to the 25th to combat paganism because that day is a pagan holiday to the sun god. It also says in the bible that Jesus was born in the season of lambing which happens in the spring, not the winter as the day Christmas falls on (although it is nice getting free stuff from religious people).

General informationEdit

Other major characters include Satan, Stephen Colbert Moses and Solomon the Wise.

The Bible was thought to be boring, compared to other regions books, by writers John Milton and Dante degli Alighieri. In Miltons' epic poem, 'Paradise Lost', the fruit offered to Adam and Eve is revealed to be an Apple, where the Bible does not actually say, although conservatives believe it does. Scientists also believe that it may also be a Pomegranate. The bible also has no information on Hell, until its vague descriptions in the New Testament, even calling it Sheol, a general underworld, in the Old Testament. Many Conservatives know nothing of Dante's 'Inferno', believing that Hell is already magnificently described in the Bible.

And as stated by Homer Simpson "This book has no answers."

The book itself says that it is not to be a base for goverment or laws, but only about 10 people have ever read the bible so this is not very well known

The Bible and conservativesEdit

Very few Conservatives have actually read the whole Bible. It’s full of ambiguity and contradiction. Christians are encouraged to do Bible study and in Bible study a teacher tells them which part of the Bible they should read. That way Christians never get to read the bad bits of the Bible in their lives. The teacher/lecturer/religious leader also quite likely tells them how to interpret what they’ve read. The Bible has the benefit of being the easiest book in history to be interpreted in any manner the reader wants, so that it will best fit in to their beliefs or their leader’s beliefs.

The Bible was written by men and contains various texts that encourage men to believe they are superior to women and/or to treat women badly. [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] The Bible is available at most major bookshops and all Christian churches.

The Conservative Bible ProjectEdit

(Because the Bible isn't Conservative enough)

But there's a reason believers are cautious about reading or believing what they read in the Bible; they have all been translated by liberals. Andy Schlafly (Greek and Hebrew expert... well, with a little help from his friends) is laboring to beget unto the world, the very first "Bible translation" to be based on "the conservative approach". Andy writes, "No translation has yet been based on the wiki approach, or the conservative approach. I think this project has great potential. Already I have learned enormously from this, as I'm sure other participants have.--User:Aschlafly 19:55, 18 August 2009 (EDT)[1]. We've learned lots Andy. Keep up the good work!

Fundy on the BibleEdit

To say the Bible was written by Men and may contain inaccuracies completely contradicts the word of the Bible.

Liberals on the BibleEdit

Liberal Christians say many of the stories in the bible are obviously not true, but are to be taken as an example of life or used to symbolize things (Snake = Evil, Apple = Temptation)

Incontrovertible Proof that Jesus Would Never Support the Republican PartyEdit

According to Jesus:

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

-Mark 10:25

It is utterly impossible for something the size of a camel, to pass through an opening the size of the eye of a needle. Taking this in the most literal and (and thus fundamentally Christian) sense, this means that if you are rich, you will go to hell.

'nuff said.

Biblical literalismEdit

Biblical literalism generally means accepting that every single word of the Bible is literally true (apart from clear parables).

  1. Biblical literalists tend not to have impressively high IQ's.
  2. Biblical literalists tend to have some emotional experience that convinces them that the Bible is profound truth, that they can trust their lives to what they see as the literal truth of the Bible.
  3. Alternatively Biblical literalists are terrified that they will go to Hell if they refuse to accept the literal truth of the bible.

ReferencesEdit

  1. DID THE BIBLE PREDICT 9/11?
  2. Numbers 31:1-2 (God orders vengeance against a certain group/country)
  3. Deuteronomy 32:22-27, 34-35 (God takes vengeance on a disobedient people
  4. Deuteronomy 7:1-5 (God orders invasion of a certain region)
  5. Deuteronomy 17:2-7 (Slaying pagans)
  6. Psalm 21:9-10 (Descendants of pagans to be destroyed)
  7. Leviticus 20:12 (God orders gays put to death)
  8. Leviticus 20:9 (Children who curse parents put to death)
  9. Leviticus 21:18-21 (Punishment of a rebellious son)
  10. Matthew 7:1 (Judge not...)
  11. Luke 23:34 (Father forgive them...)
  12. I Corinthians 13
  13. 2 Corinthians 9:7-11 (on generosity)
  14. Genesis 3:16 (The man shall rule over the woman...)
  15. Leviticus 12:1-2 (Women are unclean during their periods)
  16. Proverbs 2:16-17 (Implies that men never initiate adultery)
  17. I Corinthians 11:3-15 (Women should cover their heads)
  18. I Corinthians 14:34 (Women should be silent in church and should have no say)
  19. Ephesians 5:22-24 (Wives should ALWAYS submit to their husbands)
  20. I Peter 3:1-2,7 (Wives should be submissive and they are the weaker partner)

External linksEdit

VideosEdit

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